North Korea – land of shin splints and sports bras.

The headline news item last night was a piece about North Korea’s new ‘Dearest Leader’, Kim Jong Un and his lovely shiny military parade. And a most interesting parade it was too. We had nice shiny tanks in formation and big impressive trucks carrying huge green bombs. To be honest, you’re probably more likely to be killed getting run over by the trucks than hit by the bombs, given their attempt on Friday to launch a long range missile which started with a fanfare but ended with a fizzle and a big splash as it fell apart and landed in the sea. Still, that’s no reason not to flaunt big shiny bombs if you own them is it? The rest of the world isn’t to know they’re about as much use to your army as slippers are to an eel. Apparently diplomats are pondering the correct response to North Korea’s dismal attempt to launch a rocket – clearly they learned nothing in the playground at school. The correct response when someone makes a big song and dance about how great they are at something then they are proven to be shit at it is to point and laugh.

Still, the parade was very impressive. Lots of shiny uniforms and Our Dearest Leader made a charming speech about how the West no longer had military superiority. Well quite Kim, if war ever comes down to who is the best at making perfect squares with their soldiers and dressing them so that they make a picture of your national flag when viewed from a balcony, you are going to properly kick our arse. If it comes down to running anywhere though, your lot are probably fucked because if they’ve spent more than two years doing that goose stepping thing round the parade ground then they’re going to have shin splints and the knees of a 90 year old . I loved the ladies section though, that was something quite unusual, a collection of stern looking ladies in knee length skirts, goose stepping past the balcony, skirts raising to thigh level as they marched and headmistress expression never wavering. Marvellous. Send that lot marching at a battalion of squaddies and they’re going to be so busy pissing themselves and whistling the Benny Hill theme tune that you’ll have them overpowered in no time. And they came in a variety of colours too, army bog-green and navy white, complete with silly hat. Fabulous. North Korea must be congratulated though, they are either manufacturers or importers of the finest collection of sports bras I’ve ever seen. Those chests were even more impressively controlled then the facial expressions.

If you ask me, Kim Yong Un looks like he might be a bit odd, kind of like a small child stuck in the body of a large dumpy bloke with no chin and a dodgy under-cut hairdo. If his grandfather and father hadn’t been North Korea’s glorious leaders he’d clearly have spent his days at school getting bogwashed by the bigger lads instead of arranging brightly coloured soldiers with buggered knees into geometric shapes outside the house. One of the ladies interviewed said that he was ‘North Korea’s destiny’ and ‘she felt safe and secure knowing that he was behind North Korea. Either she has doesn’t have very high standards, because the low grade sociopathic, child-man son of an angry midget with a penchant for giant spectacles isn’t who would give me a warm fuzzy feeling of security, or she’s been made aware of the fact that the right answer to this question by international journalists leads to good fortune, the wrong answer leads to three decades of internment and your house and family vanishing in the middle of the night. Either way, it makes North Korea look even more batshit crazy than usual.

If you fancy having a gander at the parade with its impressive array of soldier-squares and goose stepping, take a look here!


8 Responses

  1. Goose-stepping – hilarious! I’m sure some of them managed to actually have both feet off the ground at the same time there! Most of that hardware looked like it was third line ex-Soviet kit designed – and probably built – in the 1950’s and 60’s, though, and just as easy to smash to pieces in the rolling hills of Korea as it was in the desert of Kuwait and Iraq. The scary bit isn’t the kit (I mean; Scuds, ferChrissake? – the missile you aim by pointing it in the general direction and hoping it lands somewhere in the target country), mind, it’s the sheer numbers of the little monkeys. If they decide to go postal it will be like that scene in Starship Troopers when all those spot-welder-looking arachnid things swarm over the sand dune – millions of well-turned-out arthritic men and immovably-chested women charging at you, all with their AKs on automatic firing from the hip at 600 rounds a minute, bellowing stuff that sounds like last night’s take-away order going into the kitchen and who don’t want to be left feeling a bit rownry.


    • It’s amazing what you can do with a little bit of patriotric paint. A brush and scrub up and you’d never guess that their weaponry was the shit that even the Russians thought was too crappy to bother with. ALthough I guess the fact that their long range missiles blow up on their land rather than getting all the way somewhere else before detonating could be a clue. At least then they charge they’ll be doing it slowly, it’ll either be an arthritic crawl or an entertaining goose step in which case you’ll hear them coming 40 miles away. There do seem to be quite a lot of them but on the plus side, if they’re all busy learning how to stay in perfect formation and place their hat so that it makes a picture of their Glorious Leader when combined with 40,000 other little soldiers, they aren’t learning how to shoot straight. Small mercies and all that. The fact that they seem to be batshit crazy is a bit alarming though…

  2. I heard the other day that North Korea sold 300 of those “high tech rockets” to Iran. Makes you wonder how big of a threat they actually are.

    I’ll bet that the world knows all about the launch failure, but not very many people in North Korea know it, but were told it was a great success. Those that do know it was a failure know better than to say anything about it.

  3. Did I see John Cleese in the back?

    I don’t even like our Defence Minister dressing up in military clobber because they start to lose their grip on reality. Imagine how warped this bloke is as he dreams of military greatness after a flash parade.

    • You know it’s time to worry when they start designing their own uniforms – just look at Qaddafi!

      • Many years ago one of our best cartoonists, Jeff Hook, did a beaut cartoon of Qaddafi. He had a bloke looking at his string of medals and commenting “Two rows down, three across. That’s the Herald learn to swim medal.”

        Sad it was never seen by the man himself.

  4. Apart from being quite funny it is also scary that military commanders like this exist in the world…..they might one day accidentally get their hands on some hardware that actually works properly.

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