Things which are stupid today.

Today, all the members of my team received an invite to a ‘safe digging forum’ from Corporate Wankery’s ‘Safe Digging Champion’. All the members except me. I was the only name not included on the invite list. So, he’s now on my ‘There are no limits to the number of ways in which you can go fuck yourself’ list. This links in with the HSE Director’s ‘thank you’ emails to each of the guys for their weekly inspection reports. Did I get a thank you? No. I got nothing. So, if he isn’t going to acknowledge them then I’m not going to send them. It really is that simple. I didn’t like the idea of having to fill in a sheet to state exactly where I’d been all week, what I’d seen there and what I’d done about it anyway.  If he doesn’t like it, he can feel free to email me to let me know and I will promptly ignore it. I’m beginning to think that perhaps the warning I was given by someone way back at the start that Corporate Wankery aren’t really very keen on women in roles that don’t comprise solely of filing and counting paperclips might be true. If I was intending to stay here for any length of time this might be an issue but since I’m planning to stay for precisely as long as it takes me to find alternative employment and work out my notice, it isn’t altering my sleep pattern too drastically. To be honest, I’ve given more thought to the fact that my toenails need repainting. Possibly I offended the ‘Safe Digging Champion’ when he asked whether we risk assess every man before he digs each hole and I laughed, assuming he was joking. Big silence descended round meeting table. He wasn’t. Oops. That’ll be a no laddy, we don’t. Never mind. It’s not as big a fuck up as after the meeting when The Boss and I were discussing how one of our co-workers had turned from a top bloke to a corporate wanker since Corporate Wankery took over. He had definitely still been in the boardroom when we left it. He was not when we left The Boss’s office, he was in his office, which adjoins The Boss’s office. And from the reasonably impressive death stare he gave us, he’s quite clearly heard every single word. Oops again. Still, perhaps it’s better that he knows, after all everyone in the company is calling him a corporate twat and no one wants that. It’s like the theory that if you have a colleague who smells of old cheese, it may be mortifying to tell them but it’s the kinder thing to do.

So now I’m off to hide under my desk because the Group Director, who is exceedingly cross with me for something that mercifully this time wasn’t my fault, has just announced he is coming to visit The Boss and she has advised me to be very quiet and pretend I’m not here. Just another day in the Batcave of Insanity that is this office…



Well,the new owners of the company I work for have now implemented lots of their systems and changes have been made. Apparently there are lots more changes to come and I can’t describe to you how much we’re all looking forward to it. Let me show you some of the impressive changes that have been made so far:

Getting a new wiper blade for the car

Previous system: Go to local motorist store. Chat to men behind counter. Buy wiper blade and let nice men fit it for you for free. Cost: About a tenner, claimed back on expenses.Time taken:  Depends how long you chatted to the guys at the shop but no more than 15 minutes.

New system: Ring employee assets to find out what I have to do. Contact Halfords Autocentre as instructed and discover that the man at Halfords has no idea what I’m on about. Go to Halfords where man looks at car and informs me that they don’t stock wiper blades and will have to order them in and get authorisation from Big Company to fit them. Fill in some forms. Drive back to office to await phone call from Halfords when the blades arrive at which point they may or may not be allowed to fit them, depending on whether the half wit they contact at Big Company can find the car on a list. Then I will drive back through Trafford to Halfords, where they should fit my blades. Cost: a fuck sight more than a tenner. Time taken: I’ll let you know when I get my new wiper blades.

Getting Hi vis gear with the company logo on.

Previous system: Go on Staples Direct website, click on the stuff you needed, add purchase order number in correct place. Wait for stuff to arrive in approx 2 days time. Cost: Whatever the cost of your stuff was plus ten minutes of your time. Time taken: ten minutes plus two days of delivery time.

New system: Fill in extensive form, by hand, which has to have every item detailed seperately, including a product code which differs for every size of item. Scan in form. Email to purchasing services. Await the call from them to inform you that this week, the company you ordered from isn’t on the approved list and you’ll have to use the useless prick that you had an argument with about boots to order the gear as they are now the approved supplier. Redo the form exactly the same except for the supplier name, scan it and send it in. Await goods. After a month when they still haven’t turned up and clients are beginning to complain that your staff look like tramps, email someone to ask where it is. Receive reassurance that it is on its way to you, in manner of cheap taxi firm ‘it’s just coming round your corner love’. Stuff arrives. Check stuff and discover none of it has a logo. Ring them and explain why this isn’t satisfactory, receive explanation involving useless prick’s inability to take less than ten working days to heat seal a bloody logo onto a coat. Arrange for non logo stuff to be sent back and await correct stuff coming. After a further fortnight receive stuff and discover that order is completely wrong plus the ‘hand wipes’ that they sent instead of the ones you ordered have a warning on them about not getting in contact with skin. Keep stuff anyway because it may be incorrect but at least its stuff and you have no idea when you will see its like again. Cost: Astronomical I should think. Time taken to get stuff for return collected: No idea, it’s still sat in reception 3 weeks later and will probably still be there at christmas. Time taken to get hi vis stuff with logos on: 6 and a half weeks. Time taken to get correct other stuff: No idea, still haven’t managed it.

Isn’t corporate progress a marvellous thing?