Well,the new owners of the company I work for have now implemented lots of their systems and changes have been made. Apparently there are lots more changes to come and I can’t describe to you how much we’re all looking forward to it. Let me show you some of the impressive changes that have been made so far:

Getting a new wiper blade for the car

Previous system: Go to local motorist store. Chat to men behind counter. Buy wiper blade and let nice men fit it for you for free. Cost: About a tenner, claimed back on expenses.Time taken:  Depends how long you chatted to the guys at the shop but no more than 15 minutes.

New system: Ring employee assets to find out what I have to do. Contact Halfords Autocentre as instructed and discover that the man at Halfords has no idea what I’m on about. Go to Halfords where man looks at car and informs me that they don’t stock wiper blades and will have to order them in and get authorisation from Big Company to fit them. Fill in some forms. Drive back to office to await phone call from Halfords when the blades arrive at which point they may or may not be allowed to fit them, depending on whether the half wit they contact at Big Company can find the car on a list. Then I will drive back through Trafford to Halfords, where they should fit my blades. Cost: a fuck sight more than a tenner. Time taken: I’ll let you know when I get my new wiper blades.

Getting Hi vis gear with the company logo on.

Previous system: Go on Staples Direct website, click on the stuff you needed, add purchase order number in correct place. Wait for stuff to arrive in approx 2 days time. Cost: Whatever the cost of your stuff was plus ten minutes of your time. Time taken: ten minutes plus two days of delivery time.

New system: Fill in extensive form, by hand, which has to have every item detailed seperately, including a product code which differs for every size of item. Scan in form. Email to purchasing services. Await the call from them to inform you that this week, the company you ordered from isn’t on the approved list and you’ll have to use the useless prick that you had an argument with about boots to order the gear as they are now the approved supplier. Redo the form exactly the same except for the supplier name, scan it and send it in. Await goods. After a month when they still haven’t turned up and clients are beginning to complain that your staff look like tramps, email someone to ask where it is. Receive reassurance that it is on its way to you, in manner of cheap taxi firm ‘it’s just coming round your corner love’. Stuff arrives. Check stuff and discover none of it has a logo. Ring them and explain why this isn’t satisfactory, receive explanation involving useless prick’s inability to take less than ten working days to heat seal a bloody logo onto a coat. Arrange for non logo stuff to be sent back and await correct stuff coming. After a further fortnight receive stuff and discover that order is completely wrong plus the ‘hand wipes’ that they sent instead of the ones you ordered have a warning on them about not getting in contact with skin. Keep stuff anyway because it may be incorrect but at least its stuff and you have no idea when you will see its like again. Cost: Astronomical I should think. Time taken to get stuff for return collected: No idea, it’s still sat in reception 3 weeks later and will probably still be there at christmas. Time taken to get hi vis stuff with logos on: 6 and a half weeks. Time taken to get correct other stuff: No idea, still haven’t managed it.

Isn’t corporate progress a marvellous thing?


7 Responses

  1. Splendid. I am particularly impressed by the non-touchable ‘handwipes’ Sheer genius. Coincidentally, today I have been asked as a matter of urgency to sort out a new security lock into our reception area. Can’t be done without a manager’s signature and a PO number. Number of managers in today, or tomorrow, nil. Number of people in finance dept today or tomorrow, nil. I don’t work here Thursdays and Fridays. Guess reception staff will have to lie across the door until next week then, in the manner of faithful squires in days of yore.

    • Ah we have the same thing here now. Previously it was assumed that if you had worked for the company for a bit and had managed to get to at least 25 without getting yourself killed you were probably trustworthy enough and bright enough to order some stationary, kit or training without either accidentally emptying the company’s bank account or eating your crayon. Now you can’t even fart in this office without having it signed off by your line manager and the divisional operations manager. I can’t even cancel holidays I’ve booked once they’ve been approved, it has to be done by a Grade B manager. As a lowly Grade D I am just about authorised to breathe and fill in bits of paper. Anything more responsible than that is not in my remit. I like the idea of your reception staff acting as human draught excluders, I may bring that up as a suggestion at the next monthly meeting.

  2. My enjoyment is enhanced no end by my CEO having the memory of an amnesiac goldfish. ‘I never agreed to paying for this!’ only hours after saying yes. I have taken to emailing him after every discussion.. This occasionally works. As for the human draught excluders, this will work out extremely cheap for us as all of our reception staff are unpaid volunteers … (costing only a daily travel card, a few biscuits, a banana or two and cups of tea).

  3. My “company” has a whole crew of “Maintenance” people. One of their duties used to be mowing the grass. When they did this, they did an excellent job and the place always looked great.

    Then someone decided that outsourcing lawn care to a contractor would save heaps of money because of the lack of wear and tear on equipment, and also fuel prices.

    Now the grass is knee high when the contractor finally gets around to mowing it … and we still have a whole crew of maintenance folks sitting around and getting paid for doing not much.

    I’m guessing someone got a bonus or a promotion for coming up with the idea of saving all that money …

    • Sounds like you work for a very similar organisation to mine. It’s all about the saving money, which generally turns out to be the vastly more expensive way of doing things.

  4. Looks like your firm went from being a private sector enterprise to be being taken over by the state in terms of its efficiency. Utter madness.

    • Oh yes. When common sense goes out the door and corporate wankery comes in, batshit craziness is bound to follow, sure as night follows day.

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