10 ‘awesome feminist halloween costumes’…

Hello folks, as a few people have pointed out, it’s been a while. I have been AWOL and a lot has gone on, new job, end of marriage, painted the hallway, been to London quite a lot, it’s all been going on in the couple of months since I last wrote anything. But all these are subjects for another day because today I have been distracted. By what? By ’10 awesome feminist halloween costumes’, brought to my attention by a feminist friend, naturally. Anyone wanting to read the full article in Bust magazine can find it here: http://www.bust.com/blog/10-awesome-feminist-halloween-costume-ideas.html but anyone who can’t be arsed, and I’m guessing that might be most people, can just look at the pictures below.

So what are the 10 awesome feminist halloween costumes according to Bust?

They look like they’re going to nick your car

1 – Pussy Riot.

What they say: Get a couple of girlfriends together, put on some colorful ski masks, and run around causing trouble! This costume is cheap and easy to put together, would be easy to recognize, and is totally topical.

What I say: I come from Manchester. If I saw a group of women dressed like this heading down the street I would not think ‘hey, there’s some feminists dressed as Pussy Riot, how imaginative!’. Feminists should perhaps be aware that while in Russia a colourful balaclava may just scream political activist making a stand against the oppressive state regime, in your average UK city it says psycho bitch high on crack who wants to steal your shit. And it’s going to lead to unpleasant incidents involving pepper spray and the emergency golf club from behind the front door. For the love of god don’t go trick or treating in Manchester dressed like this, you’ll get killed.

2 – Having it all.

What they say: The Atlantic cover about women having it all: Just dress up in professional office clothes and carry a baby doll around in a briefcase. When someone asks what you are, reply, “I’m ‘having it all.’”

What I say: No one is going to ask what you because they’ll assume that you’ve come straight from work and one of your kids left a doll in your briefcase. Either that or you’re a corporate version of the childcatcher. Neither of which are particularly impressive. If for some reason someone does ask what you are and you explain, unless you’re at a feminist party they are going to think you’re a twat and avoid you for the rest of the evening. They will also tell other people you’re a twat and so you’ll be left alone, downing gin and tonic after gin and tonic on your tod until finally cracking around midnight, standing on a table to howl out your version of ‘I will survive’ and then being found under a sink in the ladies at 2am crying because no one loves you and you can’t find your lipgloss. Don’t chance it. Avoid.

3 – A minge.

What they say: If you really want to scare some conservatives, bring the fear back into Halloween; conjure the specter of their worst nightmares: BE A VAGINA.

What I say: Are conservatives more scared of vaginas than other groups? I didn’t know that. Conservatives scared of vaginas, labour ambivalent about the the lady-garden, lib dems positively minge-happy. Is this how it works? Every day is a school day round here. I have to say I quite like this one, I mean pretty much everyone looks like a twat at a fancy dress party, actually turning up dressed as one is a fabulous idea. Next time I have to go to a fancy dress party I might just see if I too can fashion myself a vagina-suit. Along with the label of course because otherwise you just look like a big pink hotdog.

4 – A piece of meat.

What they say: This one’s a good commentary on all of the sexy banana/sexy can of soup/sexy barf bag costumes out there that have women parading around like a piece of meat. Be a piece of meat, literally. (This one is for the feminist that likes bringing up sexism and politics even when she knows people will roll their eyes and say they’re ‘just trying to have a good time.’).

What I say: There’s a reason people roll their eyes and say they’re just trying to have a good time when some lass pissed up on chardonnay starts hammering on about sexism and politics. It’s because no one wants to get into a row with an aggressive piss-head about the number of women in the Department for Transport when they only came out for a cheeky drink and a dance round the living room. Besides, it looks like you tried to copy Lady GaGa’s meat dress but didn’t quite pull it off. People won’t find out their error until they actually speak to you and then you’ll have to endure that horrified look in their eyes if you start banging on about the oppressive regime when they only came over to demonstrate their rendition of ‘Pokerface’. Avoid.

5 – Catwoman.

What they say: Yes, technically she’s a sexy kitty, and yes, the costume is skintight, but let’s not forget that Catwoman is a total badass. She does what she wants, she kicks Batman’s butt, and she lives alone with a bunch of cats. (Disclosure: this blogger loves Catwoman and has been her for Halloween about five times.)

What I say: Unless you are a size 8 with great boobs and an ass like an Olypic athelete, a skintight PVC costume is always going to be an error. Plus it’s not exactly a breathable fabric so by the end of the evening you’re going to be as sweaty as hell. Living alone with a bunch of cats doesn’t make you a feminist, it makes you a hermit with a house that is registered with the local council as a place of interest due to the complaints from the neighbours about the heavy duty quantity of catshit in the area. Lots of people kicked Batman’s butt, you don’t see people calling The Penguin a feminist because he only hangs out with birds do you? This one is illogical and unless you are as described above will make you look like bloody awful. Avoid.

6 – A Strong woman.

What they say: All of these costumes, and any other feminist-friendly costume you can think of, have something to do with being a strong woman – so why not get literal, simplify, and just go as “A Strong Woman?” You can find some fake muscles at just about any costume shop.

What I say: This one is just shit. It’s not even funny and shit. Avoid.

7 – Rosie the Riveter

What they say: An oldie but a goodie, one of the most universal symbols of feminism (and a cheap and easy costume: just a blue collared shirt and a red polka dot bandana). You can amp this one up with some fake muscles, and then change it up halfway through the night to go as #6.

What I say: Unless all the other people at the party are aware of the Rosie the Riveter poster, and if you’re not a feminist party I’d say that’s unlikely, everyone is going to assume you’ve come dressed as an Eastern European farmhand. And while I’m sure farming in Poland is no picnic, it doesn’t really say ‘halloween’ does it? Avoid.

8 – A budding feminist.

What they say: One great thing about costumes is that you get to bring into the world things you’d like to see more of. So dress up like a little girl that’s not confined by stereotypical gender roles. Do the pigtails and the lacy socks and whatever else denotes little girlhood, but rub some mud on your legs, carry around a toy truck, and maybe a book about engineering. (More girls in STEM!)

What I say: How does wearing lacy socks mean you’re not confined by stereotypical gender roles? Have you ever seen a pre-pubescent boy in them? And neither little boys nor little girls read books about engineering, not because of any gender bias but because they’re full of tiny writing, long words and complicated scientific shit that most adults can’t understand let alone someone who still watches kids tv. Also, I’m not really getting what this has to do with halloween. I mean if you were dressed as a muddy girl with a chainsaw or fangs it would make sense but engineering textbooks are more dull than scary. And even with a chainsaw it’d probably still be a shit costume. Avoid.

9 – A pair of brides or grooms.

What they say: A good costume for a pair (whether you’re really a couple or just friends), go as two brides or two grooms.

What I say: Now the thing about dressing up for halloween is that you’re supposed to be going as something that is scary or horrible. You go dressed as someone getting married and this means you’re stating marriage belongs in a horror film. This leaves you running the very real risk of getting cornered by the bitter divorcee, and there’s one at virtually every party, who will be hammered on cheap pinot noir and who will spend the entire evening bending your ear about ‘that bitch’, how she won’t let him have partial custody of the dog and how he has been replaced by a chartered accountant with an Audi. No one needs that. Avoid.

10 – Elizabeth I

What they say: A classic embodiment of self-confidence, this historical badass just went around telling people she was the queen until it became the truth. Dress up as her on Halloween, and then carry that attitude with you through your everyday life.

What I say: It’s a fairly cool costume, if not entirely in the spirit of halloween. however there are a couple of problems with it, the first being it’ll cost you an absolute fortune to hire, leaving you with very little money to spend on drink and a taxi home, the second being that unless your party is being held in a mansion, that costume is going to be an absolute nightmare to go for a piss in. I once got married and had to accomplish this feat in a wedding dress, believe me anything involving multiple underskirts and any variety of hoop arrangement requires a decent sized area for you to go for a slash unaided. You have nay chance in a cubicle in your local club. So unless your party is at Chatsworth, avoid.

So what we have learned today is this: extreme feminists are shit at fancy dress.

Don’t say I never teach you about the important things in life.