Happy Friday everybody!

Today is going swimmingly.

This morning I got up, got dressed, trundled downstairs to put the alarm off….and stepped barefoot straight into a freezing cold dog turd, kindly left next to the front door during the night. Lovely. A bit of turd had gone on the bottom of my trouserleg so I did what any sensible person would do – I attempted to take off my trousers in the hall, resulting in a bruise on my elbow, much swearing and now, shit up the INSIDE of the trouserleg as well as on the bottom. I’m standing in the hall in my pants and the woman in the house opposite, who is often hanging out of her window smoking at early hours of the morning is looking at me like I’m a nutter. So I do what any dignified person with presence of mind would do – I hop upstairs on one foot, boil wash my shit covered one in the shower and head to work, leaving Mr V to deal with the chilly turd and ponder why my work trousers are in a heap in the hallway. By the end of today I’ll probably have decided whether to boil them or bin them.

So off I go to work, managing to lose one of my favourite earrings on the way. When I get there I discover that in all the crap-based drama I’ve forgotten my phone. Still, these things come in threes don’t they so I’m out of trouble now, right?

Wrong.

I open up my emails to discover that The Twat (client) has passed our details on to some other bloke who now wants to come and do a complete waste management audit on one of our sites, to see if we are complying with ‘legislation, best practice and The Client’s Waste Management Declaration’, a document so well hidden that I suspect it doesn’t exist and is just a phrase made up to piss on my morning.  Now the rest of the day is to be spent researching waste management policy, deciding whether I have to spend the remainder of this month’s salary getting the dog’s damaged leg seen to and pondering whether my trousers will be too short if I just snip off the section at the bottom that got dog shit on it.

Happy Friday people. Gin anyone?

Odd Emails

Recently I’ve had some odd emails come through to my hotmail address.

From a Mr Richard ‘Lonewolf’ Parker:

hey friend, lets get together and talk in privte on msn messanger im online madison19hall@hotmail.com just relocated, dont know anyone and i thought you were a cutie on those pics i saw from that site.

 

Dear Mr Lonewolf Parker,

Thank you for your kind message but I’m slightly concerned as to which site you are referring to, given that I wasn’t aware I was on any site. If I’m in the buff and have a tan on the site you mention, I should probably tell you that that isn’t me. I have never appeared in any variety of porn production and in answer to what may well be your next question, no thanks, I’ll give it a miss. Two small pieces of advice to you to aid you in your quest to find ladies desperate enough to have a kinky conversation with a total stranger:

1) Punctuation – use it. It makes your sentences easier to understand and makes you look slightly less illiterate. Think about your message, you just sent me an email, telling me that you are online is not really necessary, I didn’t think you’d come all the way over to my machine and slotted a post it note into the CD drive to make the message appear on my screen.

2) Richard ‘Lonewolf’ Parker? I see what you were trying to do here, you were trying to give the impression of a tall, muscular,rugged, outdoor, Canadian type who has been relocated off his snowy mountain into a city and is looking for someone to chat to. Unfortunately, given the message you sent and the addition of ‘Lonewolf’, I’ve got more of an impression of a portly middle aged man who lives with his mum, smells of feet and wanks over old copies of the Radio Times that contain Carol Vorderman. This does not make me want to ‘talk in private on msn messanger’, mainly because I’m afraid you’ll track my IP address and I’ll find you stark naked in my garden riffling through my bins. Word of advice, drop the ‘Lonewolf’, Richard Parker sounds dull but not actually psychiatrically dangerous.

Good Luck

Vicola.

 

From S Caruso

I saw ur pics on that site, and i thought you were extremely adorable. If you wanna talk private, maybe cam up, you can find me on msn messenger, im online right now, madison20up@hotmail.com … im 25 years old female new and lonely around here 😉 lets have fun babe

 

Dear Ms Caruso

Now I’m even more concerned about my web presence as you’ve clearly been on the same site as Lonewolf. What the hell is on there? Seriously? You are the second person to inform me that I’m on some site and I’m beginning to get alarmed that someone has installed spycams in my shower. Can you tell me if there are tiles in these pictures and if so, what colour they are? It’s a test you see, to check whether I need to get counter surveillance teams in to sweep the bathroom.

As I told Lonewolf, the naked bin-raider, you don’t need to tell me that you’re on line right now, you’re sending me an email so therefore you’ve got to be online right now. I might not be a chess grandmaster but logic hasn’t entirely passed me by. If it’s alright by you, I think I’ll pass on the offer to chat as your invitation to ‘cam up’ has me rather alarmed. I’m taking this to mean chatting on a webcam because other possibilities are frightening but since I suspect that if I contacted you by webcam you’d a) be naked and b)charge me £5 per half minute for the privilege, I think I’ll give it a miss. By the way, you say you are female, 25 and NEW? New? New to what? Randomly sending pervy emails to complete strangers inviting them to ‘cam up’? On the plus side, I must congratulate you on having a much better grasp of the English language than Lonewolf. Perhaps you two would get on, would you like his email address?

All the best

Vicola.

 

Who knows what interesting character I may find in my inbox tomorrow??