The last ten or fifteen years have brought us the delight of the low cost, no frills airline, famed for their little tiny fares to exotic climes. And so it was with high expectations that I navigated my way to BMI Baby's website. Not only are they a low cost airline and so much cheaper than BA, they are also not in dispute with their cabin staff and so there's a fighting chance that my holiday to Perpignan won't be spent in the terminal at Manchester airport.
So onto the website I go and duly find that for £34 per person outward and £46 per person return me and Mr Vicola can go to Perpignan and spend a week in the sunshine sipping beer by the sea and going brown in Mr V's case and well, slightly beige in mine. Then it asks me if I want to book seats together as they can't guarantee we'll be sat together if we don't prebook the seat. Lovely idea. Except it's a further £8.50 per person per flight for ordinary seat and £11.50 if you want the seats that mean you don't have to telescopically fold your legs backwards into your body cavity to sit in the space. Fuck it, it's only an hour and a bit flight and sitting separately means we're less likely to have had a row by the time we land.
Then we get to the baggage and check in section. Do we want to check a bag into the hold? Well unless I want to be wearing the same undercrackers for a week, which I don't, then yes, a bag would be good. So I tick the '1 bag and check in' option. £18.99 per person per flight. Because of course if my bag were not in it the plane wouldn't be bothering with the hold at all, it'd just leave it on the runway. And the people without a bag don't need to check in because the magic fairies tell the airline they're on the plane so I can completely see why I have to pay extra to alert the airline to the fact I'm on their aircraft.
Then I go to pay. I'm a bit peeved at all the extra costs and the fact that the website was so slow you could almost hear the Latvian immigrants peddling in BMI headquarters to keep the servers running but it was the 'please wait for the verification page, do not hit the refresh button, it may take up to 45 seconds for your payment to process' page that really gripped my shit. At least it did once it'd been there for 15 bastard minutes. So now I don't know whether I've paid for the flights or not.
I duly look up customer services and dial the number, where I'm informed by the woman on the line that this is a premium rate number and so from a BT landline I'll be paying 65p a minute, from my mobile the cost will be racking up faster than Tiger Woods sex stories. The automated woman then goes on to waste more time telling me about BMI's website. Well thanks for the revelation darling but if I could get the fucking website to work would I be racking up the national debt of Moldovia on this call? No madam, I would not. Eventually I get through to someone who tells me that he's sorry my transaction didn't work out and he would get a member of his team to ring me back and take the booking over the phone. Utterly mystified as to why the man on the reservations line can't make a reservation but now fortified by a stiff gin and tonic I agree. With something less than good grace.
So the lady rings me back, we go through all the tedious details I went through on the website and it comes to payment time.
Lady: So how will you be paying? Credit or debit card?
Me: Credit card.
Lady: Well that will incur the handling fee of £4.50 per person per flight.
Me: And if I only choose to pay for one of my flights and just gatecrash the other one?
Lady: Madam must pay for both flights.
Clearly humour is not dealt with on the call centre training course.
Me: So what if I use a debit card?
Lady: That will be £3 per person per flight.
Me: So what you're saying is that there is no way I can avoid getting ripped off at payment stage? Is there any charge for paying with magic beans?
Lady: Magic beans?
Never mind. The gin and tonic is wearing off so it's time to get off the phone before I get barred from BMI altogether. So I share my credit card details with the robbing harpy on the other end of the line.
So, bearing in mind the amount stated for each flight, £34 outward, £46 return for each of us, the final cost for us both to get to Perpignan? £336 .27.
Low cost airline my arse. I've a good mind to write them a VERY sternly worded letter.
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