This week channel 4 are showing a documentary about one of the 'Purity Balls' that are springing up around the US. It intrigued me so I thought I'd read up a bit about and having done so, to decide whether this movement is a genuine urge from parents to protect their daughter from going off the rails or a desperate attempt to retain control of them in a world where young girls don't stay young for as long as they did in their parent's generation.
From what I can see, the argument is that the bible laid the responsibility of taking care of a daughter on her father and so it is up to her father to ensure she remains pure for the man she marries. They also claim it is keeping their daughter pure in a world that is tainted. To an extent I can see the point, the world can be a dark place and protecting a child is surely a natural instinct but I'm also sceptical.
One article I looked at was this one. In it the father of an 11 year old girl says "It sounds unrealistic in our day and age, it's not the exact path I went down personally, but if it can work, how cool would it be to say I've been kissed by one man in my life? How special, how cherished, how set apart? Why not shoot for the fairytale?". Firstly he is openly admitting that he wasn't prepared to take this path, he didn't save himself purely for the woman who would one day become his wife but yet he is asking an 11 year old to pledge to do just that. 11 is young, at 11 you aren't yet rebellious, you still want to please and personally I believe it is too young to ask a girl to make a pledge that she may have to stick to for ten years or more. Secondly, I don't believe that only kissing one boy in your entire life makes you any more cherished than anyone else. You still have the same chance of marrying someone who turns out be a complete swine and who has the ability to make you feel 2 inches tall, probably even more so because if you haven't even kissed him it's doubtful you've lived with him and it's not till you live with someone that the moths come out of the cupboard.
The Purity Ball was set up by Randy Wilson of the New Life Church in Colerado. His belief is that "if girls get assurance about their beauty from their father they won't need to go outside the home to find out from other men. The father, he is convinced, is everything to a young girl.". Well yes, it's true that girls will always be special to their fathers. Despite the fact that my dad and me swear like troopers at each other and mock each other mercilessly, everyone knows that I'm still Daddy's Girl. My best friend is the same (although her family swear a lot less). However I believe that there are some things that are not the role of a father and deciding a husband, fulfilling all but the sexual roles of a boyfriend and deciding for a girl whether she will or she won't be taking the abstinence path are 3 that should not be done by daddy. Getting involved with boys, be it romantically or not, is part of growing up, it teaches you how to deal with the attentions of men, it teaches you how to interact, it teaches you to look out from behind the safety of your family and see the world, to take your first peek at the good things and the bad things that might be waiting out there. Getting your heart broken by some pimply little squirt whose name and face you won't recall in 5 years time is a rite of passage that most girls go through and I think should be a girl's decision whether she wants to experience these everyday teenage dramas, not her father's. Randy's daughter married the first man she had ever dated. She had known him for 8 weeks when they got engaged, their engagement was 6 months long and for 5 of them he was away with the military. They didn't kiss or even hold hands until they got married. Personally, I think that's bloody weird.
To be honest it would never have worked in our house anyway, from the age of about 12 onwards I would rather have removed my spleen with a rusty teaspoon than discuss sex with my dad, the very thought of him having any input into my sex life would have had me running screaming for the hills but that's just our family I guess. Maybe some teenage girls are less awkward than me but even if I hadn't been that way it wouldn't have happened because my dad was a believer in letting me make my own mistakes and decisions. Sure, my parents advised me, they had boundaries and limits but they wanted me to discover life for myself and this is my main issue with the Purity movement, is the decision to take the path of abstinence the decision of the girl or her father? Nine times out of ten it appears to be his and she goes along with it because young girls look up to their dad and want them to be proud. It must be hard being a father because at some point you know that you won't be the centre of your little girl's world anymore, another man will come along and take that place. These Purity fathers seem to me to be trying to hold on to their children, to keep control of them for longer than they would be able to under normal circumstances, they seem to want to delay the moment of losing their place for as long as possible.
So, I'll be watching the programme tomorrow to see if it tells whether it tells me anything I didn't know or whether it confirms my suspicions. Who knows, perhaps it'll change my perspective and show me that in a chaotic world this is the way forward but to be honest it'd have to contain some pretty compelling evidence to convince me that Purity Balls and all the related pledges are anything more weirdness and control freakery.
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