Going tomorrow.

It's midnight. Tomorrow I take a 9 hour bus trip to the outer reaches of nowhere to visit my inlaws and I really really really don't want to go. I really don't want to see my sister in law, a 36 year old woman who thinks that you can accuse someone's husband of attempted murder and then act like nothing ever happened. A woman who, I suspect, may get told at the Hogmanay party exactly why this isn't on when I've had a couple of drinks. This will then put me in the bad books.

I wish I hadn't given up smoking. Perhaps I'll take a pack of Marlboro Lights with me, just in case…..

On the bright side, christmas went well, hope everyone had a great one, see you in the New Year!!

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10 things to say….

Jemma at Spidermonky put up a brilliant and intriguing post where she wrote 10 things that she'd like to say to people but hadn't or couldn't. I thought this was fab so I've done my own (and as Jemma said, all of these are about people I know in person not online so don't think I'm being mean about anyone who may read this!).

 

1) You're great. You drink wine and bitch with me and we sit in the pub and rant. If I didn't know you then I'd probably explode.

 

2) You are the most self centred, navel gazing, pathetic, attention seeking witch I have ever had the misfortune to encounter. You don't deserve to know him let alone be related to him and it's no mere quirk of fate that you haven't got even one friend in this world. It's because you're a cow. Even he can't be arsed with you now and I can't say I blame him after he's taken your frankly embarrassing crap for years. Incidentally if you ever speak to me or him again the way you did last year I will take you to pieces, I really will.

 

3) Thank you both for everything you've done for me over the years. I know you think you made mistakes but I'm sure everyone does and I couldn't have asked for better. I never say it because it's not the way I am but I do love you both. 

 

4) I'm worried about you and I don't know what to do to make things better for you. If I could make him change and be what he was or what you want him to be then I would but I don't know how. It's the way he was brought up and maybe if you two could sit down and talk properly without anything getting in the way you could find your way through this. I hope it works out for you, I truly do and if I can do anything to help it work out then I will.

 

5) Woof. Biscuit?

 

6) We used to hate each other and now we don't. Hurrah! Even though I used to beat you up when you were small and I once put stamps all over your head I think you're ok. And that's the closest you're going to get to a compliment, don't want you getting big headed now do we? And I still have 2 of your DVDs.

 

7) I'm sorry for any hurt I ever caused you. I was young but it isn't an excuse and I honestly never meant to cause you pain. I know now that constantly looking round the corner for something better was a mistake and I should have valued you for what you are but it's too late to change things and maybe things worked out that way for a reason, maybe I'd have hurt you more if I'd stayed. I wish you happiness and I hope your life is everything you hoped it would be. If you ever need a friend then you know how to find me.  

 

8) I was the only person who stuck up for you when everyone was calling you a lunatic and a stirrer. For years. And what do you go and do? Prove them right and make me look like a trusting pillock. If you want to play your stupid games then fine but don't you dare go telling people I said things that I didn't say and trying to cause arguments that involve me. I've seen the light now, don't worry and I'll be keeping my distance from now on. And you might as well know that your brother has no intention of paying the debt you racked up with Kent County Council because you've spent his father's entire savings, this time honey you're on your own.

 

9) I don't pretend to understand why you did what you did, I'm sure your upbringing and what happened in the war were a big part of it but I wanted you to know that it was a long time ago now and I've put it behind me. There isn't enough of you left to hate so there isn't any point, I want you to know that I forgive you.

 

10) It's been over a year since you died and I still miss you! You were a brilliant person and some of the things you used to say have passed into family legend. If I can be half the person you were in your lifetime then I'll be proud of myself. And the bingo caller incident can still have the entire family in stitches with tears rolling down their faces. You were great!

 

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Dog Attire

Our family dog, Barney, is 12 years old and he had been losing a lot of weight. He also had a large lump growing on his side and we weren't convinced that it was a fat pad like the vet had said so we had it biopsied. As we suspected the dog has terminal cancer. As part of the biopsy the dog had to have his side shaved and so now he is a long haired collie cross on one side and as bald as an egg on the other and it means he gets cold on walks. A week of taking him out after dark with a scarf around his midriff and then playing scissors. paper, stone to see who got to remove the pee soaked garment on our return convinced us that he needed a dog coat. So off I go onto the internet to find a plain,black dog coat that wouldn't make the poor creature look like a complete arse. You'd think it would be easy wouldn't you? You would be wrong. There are coats aplenty but not many simple black ones and I ended up with my jaw resting on the desk at the sheer tastelessness of what is out there. Eventually I found what I needed on Ebay but I feel that I have to bring the cultural phenomenon that is 'doggy attire' to the attention of anyone who may happen across this diary, so here, for your delight and quite possibly horror, are a few of the items that I found:

 

 

PolkadotPFleeceCoat

Are you the kind of girl that thinks carrying a small dog in a handbag is a good idea? Do you have 'Playboy' emblazoned down the side of your powder pink Ford Ka? Then the chances are that you have this appalling piece of spotty shite. Your dog may be small but don't think that given the chance it wouldn't take you out with a Exocet missile while you slept for inflicting this twee monstrosity on it. Incidentally – those little stick things on the bottom of your dog, those are legs. You'll find that if you put the dog down on the floor it'll balance on these 'legs' and move itself about. They are designed to negate the need for carrying it everywhere. The phrase 'walking the dog' was actually coined to mean both you AND the dog walk, rather than you walk with the dog under your arm wearing a truly ridiculous coat. This might explain why other people in the park have been laughing at you as you go past.

 

 

Hoodie_hug

Are you kind of ironic and post modern? Nope, you're a tit. Your dog came with its own furry jumper, rendering a hoodie with a stupid politico message on it pointless. Take it off and burn it.

 

 

Pp_pvcraincoat

It's PVC. It makes your dog look a little bit S&M and therefore more than a little bit wrong. I do appreciate the practicality of wipe clean fabrics but you'd look less pervy if you'd cut leg holes out of a Tesco carrier bag and put the dog in that.

 

 

 

Chav dog coat

Go on, admit it. You've shortened your name to 'Daz' or 'Spaz' or something. You drive a Fiat Punto but you've lowered the suspension, removed all the badges and added an exhaust system that sounds like an elephant after 15 pints and an extra hot vindaloo. You spend your weekends downing 2 litre bottles of cider in the park with your girlfriend Kaylee-Louise and your dog is called "Killer' or 'Homicide' or something equally mindlessly violent. It's probably a staffie or pit bull cross and if it had any functioning brain cells it would remove your arm for coming within 20 yards of it with this appallingly chav piece of tat. Nicking car stereos and wheel trims is one thing but you should burn in eternal shame for inflicting camouflage dogwear on society.

 

 

BumbleBeeOutfit

I've got one word – CRUEL. I hope the RSPCA track you through your credit card payment and prosecute. You should be paraded around the streets of your hometown dressed as a giant bumblebee, complete with stupid hat and then left in the stocks for a week so that dogs can pee up your leg and laugh at you and how silly you look. Dressing your dog up to look ridiculous is not big and it's not clever. If you aren't careful karma will catch up with you and you'll come back in the next life as a dung beetle, destined to spend your entire life pushing balls of elephant turd around the African Plains. And it'll bloody well serve you right. I suggest you go and sit in the naughty corner, on your own, and think about what you've done.

 

If I hadn't found it all on the internet I wouldn't have believed it. 

 

 

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Slightly Panhandled

I have a stinking cold courtesy of the office Fridge Witch who has been coughing all over people for a week. Get thee hence plague carrier. I was going to write about my trip down South to visit my brother and the Exeter site but unfortunately the only painkillers anyone had in the office were Ibuprofen and so I took a couple. I'm allergic to them and am now pleasantly stoned. Like my brain is wearing a little furry coat which is stopping the ideas from coming out. I keep giggling at silly things and now my boss thinks I'm mad. Which is nice. I've just laughed at a man form the Red Cross who rang to tell me a NE bloke didn't turn up for his course this morning but it's ok because I did remember to say have a nice christmas and new year. And I'm thinking of emailing my sister in law to tell her she needs therapy because she's as mad as a sack of angry badgers. Cass says this is not a good idea because once hte ibuprofen wears off I may regret it and and might have to apologise which could be embarassing.

The nice thing about these little tablets is that this morning I was really grumpy but now I am nice and mellow. I don't care if site managers ring me up and shout at me about bog all, I don't care that I just knocked a stack of papers off the back of the desk adn I don't care that I forgot my purse and have about half a litre of fuel in the car to get home through Friday traffic. I don't give a bugger because it's nearly christmas and my feet have gone slightly numb.Happy Christmas people!!!

I'm going to go now because i think I might not be making much sense anymore. Perhaps I'll find somewhere to go to sleep for a while.

Oooh. Someone just gave me a calendar. Pretty.

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Christmas game

I've just pinched this from the lovely Jemma at Spidermonky.

 

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Definately wrapping paper. I can't be trusted not to look in bags, I'm really nosy.

2. Real tree or artificial? Real. Although after the incident a couple of years ago it's got to be the non-drop variety. Actually, once it reached the 'completely bald' stage it had a certain arty grace to it. Still, at least it fit into the house which is more than can be said for the tree that my tree-surgeon ex boyfriend stole for me from the Forest of Bowland. I lived in a mid 1940s semi and the tree was 12 ft if it was anything.

3. When do you put up the tree? When my dad gets round to buying it, usually mid December. He buys me us a tree each year.

4. When do you take the tree down? January the 6th. And the house always looks really bare without it.

5. Do you like eggnog? Yuck no. It's grim stuff. I'll take a Cosmopolitan or a V&T though!

6. Favorite gift received as a child? A full size electronic keyboard. I was 14 and I refused to play the piano when anyone was in the house (still do actually) so I could only practice when the house was empty. As this wasn't very often I wasn't doing too well. With the keyboard I could plug in headphones and play away without anyone hearing. I still have it, it still works and I'm 28!

7. Do you have a nativity scene? No. We're a wee bit heathen in our house.

8. Hardest person to buy for? My brother. What the hell do you buy for a 25 year old researcher to the shadow transport secretary? Lord knows. He liked the paintball gun the year before last. His landlord didn't and he had to replace the fance at his own expense.

9. Easiest person to buy for? My mum. She likes all the usual mum stuff and shoes.

10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? A microwave veg steamer. I have an ordinary steamer, why would I want a microwave one? Who microwaves veg anyway? The electric toothbrush was an odd one too. These gifts both came from the same person incidentally. Oooh, a book on the Highland Clearances (tactful indeed) also came from the same person.

11. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail. I love receiving mail that isn't a bank statement or credit card bill.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? The Grinch. I am such a child. I love that film and the grinch really reminds me of someone which just makes me laugh more. Micah doesn't get it at all, the Grinch gives him the creeps. Which again makes me giggle. Christmas really brings out my inner eejit.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? October. Because I get everything as early as possible so I don't have venture out in the christmas rush. 

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Sadly yes.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Christmas dinner. It's my favourite dinner of the year. Unless we are at my inlaws because they don't do gravy with christmas dinner. It's just not right.

16. Clear lights or coloured on the tree? Well I prefer coloured but I have clear because when I went to buy them a couple of years back I only had a fiver and the coloured ones were £5.50 and I haven't yet got round to sorting it.

17. Favorite Christmas song? Fairytale of New York, when I was younger I was really impressed because Kirsty McColl said 'arse' and I wasn't allowed to. 

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Home. Definately. Well, my folks houe which is in the same town so classes as home. Unfortunately we have to do alternate years at my inlaws which isn't nearly as good.

19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? Erm..Prancer, Dancer, Donna, Blitzen, Rudolph….no.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Spangly silver twisty thingy. Great description eh?

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas afternoon. We start with stockings (and yes we are in our twenties!), then church then lunch, then visit my auntie and cousins, open presents then the Perkins come round and we all have christmas dinner and get happily drunk. Ooh, I'm getting excited even typing it!!

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? The 8 hour drive to the Highlands to visit my inlaws which is either done just before christmas or just after.

23. What I love most about Christmas? Everything!!

24. Have you been naughty or nice this year? Depends what you class as naughty. I haven't got a criminal record if that counts as nice!

25. If you’ve been good, what would you like Santa to bring you this year? Happiness. And if at all possible the correct numbers for the next 20 million quid Euromillions rollover because I really would like to retire and do something more interesting instead.

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Dog

One of the dogs has a tumour. Well we think it's a tumour, given that it's large, very firmly attached and is getting progressively larger as the dog gets progressively smaller. He's going for a biopsy tomorrow. It's funny how attached you can get to a dog in 11 years, even though he doesn't speak English and he tries to mount your other dog whenever he gets a chance. In fact once he tried to mount my friend's toddler who was crawling round the floor. Fortunately Lou has a well developed sense of humour and didn't take offence. Some people would have been very put out at Barney trying to work out children via the medium of buggery. Fortuntely he didn't get beyond the 'standing on the child' stage before being unceremoniously removed to the garden to think about what he'd done.

Poor old dog. I'm going to go out on my lunch break and buy him some cheese.

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